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Angel's Camp Constable

I was told that if I would mention any of the venerable Simon Wheeler's pet heroes casually, he would be sure to tell me all about them, but that I must notalt laughalt during the recital, as he would think I was making fun of them, and it would give him mortal offense. I was fortifiedalt with the names of some of these admired personages.

So, after some little unimportant conversation, I said:

“There was formerlyalt a constable here by the name of Bilgewater, who attained to considerable eminence, and whom I have frequently heard of in various parts of the world—did you know him?”

The old gentleman oozed gratified vanity at every pore, but its expression took no more enthusiastic form. Nothing could seduce him from his unsmiling mien or force any enthusiasme into the smoothalt monotony of his voice.alt

“Yes, I knew that feller,” said he; “I knew him as well as I know my own wife. Him and me was always friends, and very particular friends, too, as I may say. He was constable here for as much as three years, and I think he could have been constable yet, but they'd heard of him in New York, I reckon, and I s'pose they wanted him there, and so he went. And he was right. There warn't business enough here for a man of his talents, though what there was he made the most of. He always liked to have people pay him a good deal of respect, and he liked to have them call things


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belonging to his line by big names, and there he was right again—because to be a constable, and the only constable in the deestrict besides, is a position that most any man would be proud of, there'se no getting around that. So he made the most of what business there was. He would come down in the morning and knock around here all day long for a week, laying for a riot, or an insurrection—because that was what he called it when fellers would get to fighting—ehe never called fights rows, or fracases, or such names. There warn't anything small about him—names nor anything. Well, may be about the end of the week a couple of the boys would get at it, and he'd wade in and break it up—he always broke it up rough. And always when any thing like that happened, he'd swear his boots was new and that he wore 'em out on that occasion.

“Ie see him one day with his eye on a nigger and an Irishman that was quarreling, though he didn't appear to be noticingalt of 'em. By-and-bye they got at it and Bilgewater sung out angry-like, ‘Hell, here's another riot,’alt run out and says, ‘In the name of the constable of this deestrict, I command the peace’e—and he give the Irishman a terrible kick with his right foot and the nigger another with his left and then knocked 'em endways with his fist as they fell. That was the end of that business, you know.

“Then Bilgewater looked at his boots and they was ripped open, and he says “Nother pair of boots busted; dang my cats if I ever put down an insurrection but what I've got to lose a pair of boots by it.'e And so he took them two fellersalt before the Squire and charged them with being engagedalt in a riot, and made a speech and showed his boots to the court and got them fined forty dollars apiece.

“Well, when he'd got through with one of them cases, he'd come down to the horse-trough here inalt front of the hotel to wash his face, and everybody'd crowd around, and onealt would dip out some water for him and another'd hold the towel, and a dozen would ask him what was up. Bilgewater would look sour and seem to be disgusted, and sayalt, ‘O damn such a place as this—keeps a man on the go, all the time—and what thanks does he get for it, I'd like to know? Riots—hell, there ain't a day that there ain't a riot. What have I been doing now? What do you s'pose I'vealt


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been doing but putting down another d—d insurrection? But I reckonalt it ain't no work to do that?—Oh, no—certainly not—an insurrection ain't anything to put down—Oh, I'm surprised at myself for thinking so, for a minute—humph! why bless you, it's play—certainly, that's what it is, it's play. Wellalt, it may be play for some, but as for me, play or no play, if this rioting is going to go on this way much longer, I'm not going to be constable, that's all.’ But you see, he always talked that way because I s'pose he knowedalt he was the quickest and the handiest man about bustingalt up a riot that had ever been in the camp. I wonder what they think of him in New York. There's one thing certain—if they see him snatch a riot once they'll conclude pretty quick that he's no slouch.”e

Alterations in the Manuscript
alt not] interlined with a caret.
alt laugh] followed by a canceled comma and canceled ‘while he was’.
alt fortified] interlined without a caret above canceled ‘provided’.
alt formerly] ‘f’ written over ‘a’.
alt the smooth] follows canceled ‘his monotonous’.
alt voice.] follows canceled ‘manner of speaking’ and a period left standing.
alt noticing] ‘c’ written over ‘n’.
alt sung . . . riot,'] interlined with a caret above canceled ‘says’.
alt fellers] ‘er’ written over wiped-out ‘ow’.
alt engaged] ‘en’ written over wiped-out ‘ou’.
alt in] written over wiped-out ‘to’.
alt one] written over wiped-out ‘the’.
alt say] ‘y’ possibly written over ‘i’.
alt do you s'pose I've] interlined with a caret above canceled ‘have I’.
alt reckon] interlined without a caret above canceled ‘suppose’.
alt Well] follows a canceled dash.
alt knowed] interlined without a caret above canceled ‘knew’.
alt busting] follows canceled ‘putting’.